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When I had my epic Mom-Freak-Out-Moment about family conflict, I decided to do better. Part of that included re-reading the Anatomy of Peace. I’d read it before, but I really NEEDED it now. And it is absolutely amazing- life changing, actually. But…I was looking for something more personal, and that was geared to parenting teens. So when I discovered that the Anasazi Foundation offered an Anatomy of Peace parenting class, I jumped at the chance to take it. ***Spoiler Alert: The class was PHENOMENAL.***
The class is offered Saturdays from 8am-3pm over Zoom, so it’s pretty easy for anyone to attend. At first, I was concerned that seven hours is a looooong time to be on Zoom- but it wasn’t. The facilitator (Mike) knew his stuff and kept us all engaged the entire time. The group was small, and we got all the personal help we needed.
I felt that it was really easy to open up and ask specific questions about my situation. The fact that we were there to help fix problems in our families wasn’t embarrassing at all. The facilitator shared his own personal stories, my husband and I felt very comfortable and that we were among friends.
What I learned About Family Conflict
The biggest takeaway from the meeting was the principle of collusion. It’s kind of a weird principle until you get it. Basically, it’s this: how you view people is how you treat them. How you treat them really drives them in how they act. In my notes, find #1 on the chart, then read the numbers in order to understand what I am saying. The cycle repeats itself over and over.
Here is another example, that says it better than I can:
My husband and I took the class three months ago. Fast forward to today:
What my relationship with my son looks like now
Things aren’t perfect- in fact, I yelled at my son for leaving stuff out just the other day. But they ARE better. I am more chill and not *quite* as controlling as I have been. 😉 I feel more at peace. I don’t feel like his actions are reflective of me as a parent. I always knew that in my head–but now I feel it in my heart. My husband and I are also doing a better job of making consequences natural or known- acting instead of reacting. We are setting better common sense boundaries and our son is respecting them.
What has changed
I have been praying my head off for this child. I’ve been reading books, I’ve been working on myself, I’ve been putting the principles I’ve learned from the Anasazi class into action…and you know what? Not only is our relationship better- but he is also making better choices. Seriously- the choices I was trying to FORCE him to make, he is MAKING ON HIS OWN. He is still his own person, but now that I am working on myself instead of trying to control him–he is choosing good things instead of resenting them because I was cramming them down his throat.
I am so very grateful, especially because I know that not all stories happen like this. I also know that all of my kids will make choices that I disagree with, or might cause an awful lot of anguish in the future.
But I am learning to see my children’s boundaries as well as my own. I am learning to let them have accountability and responsibility for their own lives. I’m kind of a slow learner–but the personal class from the Anasazi Institute really helped flip my perspective. I will be forever grateful for the true principles they teach about relationships and communication, their belief that there is good in everyone, and the personal accountability they teach.
Giveaway Time! Congrats to the Winner, JennyLyn!
Because I believe in the principles of the Anatomy of Peace so deeply, I’m giving away a copy!
How to enter: In the comments, please tell me one thing you love about the child you are having troubles with right now. (And no worries if you can’t think of anything because there is too much conflict- that’s just life sometimes. Instead, think of when they were little and share that!) I will announce a winner on Oct 23, 2020. Good luck!
Bless your heart. Sounds like you’re learning so much. My hardest one right now loves to snuggle (when he’s not hitting his sister with a stick ). I’m grateful for the snuggles in the calm moments!
Yes! Enjoy those snuggles- teenagers don’t enjoy snuggles as much. At least not with me. 😉
Esche McGee says
Mine is struggling to be responsible in school, or even care about any of that. One thing I love is when I stay up late and we goof around together, forgetting about responsibilities for a bit.
Thanks for sharing, Esche! Hugs to you!
This sounds amazing and like something we really need! I keep hearing about this book from different people and I need to just read it. One thing I love about the child I am struggling with is that he loves to learn. It doesn’t really matter what the subject is – the stock market, historical events, new math concepts, etc. – he’s always curious and wanting to learn.
I love that my child is so friendly and genuine with others. He learns quickly and is very independent! I just wish that independence didn’t manifest as so much stubbornness.
Ha Ha! I hear you! I keep telling myself that the independence and stubbornness will create an adult that will not compromise their values and who can move mountains. They can be hard to parent though, for sure!
My sweet girl is jubilant! Joy was on my short list of names for her. She always wants everything to be fun. I wish life was always fun too.
That is such a gift! I have a son like that.
Congrats, JennyLyn! You are the winner! Please email me at email@example.com and I’ll send you the book! 🙂
The kiddo I am struggling with loves to sit and read to me, it’s so special (and peaceful) when we snuggle together reading a good book.
I love moments like that!
The one I am struggling with now is amazing with all our animals. We have an urban homestead, and he is so kind and nurturing. One day he’s going to be an amazing Dad. Thanks for the giveaway. It’s been on my reading list for a while.
If a child is good with animals, I think that is a HUGE good sign! You are doing a great job- animals are a ton of work!