Coming of Age Celebrations: Part 1
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The Idea
My husband and I are constantly looking at resources for raising children. Of particular concern to us is enjoying our (soon-to-be) teenagers as we help them develop into independent, happy adults. No celebrity-like teenagers for us, thank you very much!
We came across the intriguing idea of coming-of-age rituals. Historically known as a tradition associated with Native American and African tribes, these rituals often contain physical and spiritual elements. When a child successfully completes these trials, he or she is officially considered an adult, with attendant responsibilities and privileges. These rituals have been all but lost in our culture today, though they were once regarded as a crucial step in many civilizations.
My husband and I decided this was something we wanted to implement in our family. We have enjoyed a few resources in particular that have helped us do this. Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, Raising Real Men, (both the book and the blog) and the blog The Art of Manliness also has many articles explaining how important these rituals are.
As Stephen James and David Thomas of Wild Things put it:
In our postmodern culture of rapid change and global transformation, boys are wrestling with questions of identity, morality and belonging . . . If we don’t create rites of passage for our boys, they will find their own. If we don’t mark their passage into the fellowship of men, they will create experiences that make them feel like the men they long to become.
A rite of passage for a boy can be anything from smoking pot to sleeping with a girl to driving drunk or breaking the law in some way. The rise of inner city gangs in our culture is a direct result of the absence of fathers and the resulting failure to properly initiate boys into men. Gangs have all the central components of initiation . . .
For many boys, life will eventually initiate them, but it is often too late or too imperceptible to have any real meaning. When boys are initiated by happenstance, they rarely comprehend the sacred significance of the moment, and thus it has little impact. Without initiation, boys become disillusioned, dissatisfied, and disenchanted. They have nothing greater than themselves to be a part of–they lack a moral and spiritual identity–and they have no greater story to guide them (pg. 276-277).
Though these books speak specifically of boys, my husband and I agreed that our daughter Katie, who is our oldest, needed this as well. In this world of increasing sexualization of women, young girls often believe the message that their worth lies only in their ability to be sexy. We want our daughter to know that she is a strong, capable person, and to have a guide throughout these potentially turbulent years.
What we Planned
We decided to have a coming of age celebration for all our children—an event that does not celebrate arriving at adulthood, but the coming changes and transformation; the beginning of growing into adulthood. My husband and I chose the age 12 to do this celebration. Our church has a transition for children then, and we also wanted to do the celebration before our daughter’s body started changing a lot.
We began by asking the women in our family to write a letter to Katie. What they wrote was up to them, but we listed some suggestions: What does it mean to be a woman? What do you like about being a woman? What do you wish you would have known during your teenage years—about boys, about your body, etc.? What advice do you have?
The result was tremendous. Most of Katie’s grandmothers and aunts were hesitant and unsure about what to write. This was a very vulnerable and sensitive thing to ask of them, but they are marvelous women with a lot of wisdom and insight. The letters were more than we had hoped for. We also asked her grandfathers to write a letter about what they appreciate and love about women. Lastly, my husband and I also wrote a letter.
In addition, we collected stories about strong women in our family, female historical figures, and women in our community we admired. I put all of these in a cute binder with three sections: letters, stories, and inspirational quotes.
How it went
On the day of the celebration, we invited the female family members who lived nearby to come to a special lunch, which Katie planned. After we ate, I read the letters of those who could not be there. Then I passed around the binder and those who were there read or talked about their own letter. We laughed, and we cried.
At the end of our luncheon, I presented Katie with a special necklace. It was a medallion with a scripture engraved on it to guide her in the future. It also had a small tree to represent her growth and her personal family tree, with a reminder of the strong women behind her.
When I asked my daughter afterward what she thought about the whole thing, she remarked, “The biggest message I got was to not back down from my beliefs when peer pressure comes. I also learned that it is ok to just be me. I don’t have to be like everyone else. It was a really good experience.”
We loved this experience so much, we’ve done it twice more, with our boys! You can learn more about them here and here.
When we encourage our growing children to become adults in an age-appropriate manner, we raise a generation of empowered, independent, capable, and confident young adults. They will not look to misguided peers or media for cues on how to behave, but to the trusted men and women who have carefully mentored them. Thanks to them, the future looks bright!
**If you’d like a step-by-step guide to help you create an amazing, personalized experience like this for YOUR child, check out The Coming of Age Celebration Guidebook. The feedback I’ve gotten from it has been amazing:
“This was the best day of my life…The collective beauty and wisdom was just so overwhelming. Our young people are worth so much and I just hope they know it. Thanks to everyone who helped, who wrote letters, who came, and those who couldn’t make it, you were missed. Thanks so much for the priceless idea, you’ve made a difference!” -Emilie N.
“Jen…this is amazing. Just got the Coming of Age book- this is really fantastic. Side note- you should be charging WAY more for this…so so so impressed. Seriously so grateful for this.” -Danielle T.
What a wonderful idea, thank you for sharing how you did it in your family! I have four wonderful little boys and you have given me great food for thought on how to help shape their futures.
I can think of a couple defining moments in my youth when I new I was growing up, but honestly it didn’t sink in until I was a sophomore in college. I wish it was sooner!
Thanks Sarah, isn’t it funny what we remember and what impacts us? I’m excited to see what you do with your sons!
Thank you for sharing this wonderful idea! I think I could have benefited tremendously from something like this myself when I was young. We have four little girls and I definitely want to do this for them. Thank you!
You are welcome! I’d love to hear of how you choose to do it, once the time comes!
I would love to know where you got the necklace for your daughter. I have a young friend who is having a coming of age party soon and would like to get her something similar. Thanks!
Hi Katie, I got the necklace here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/wearitpersonalized?ref=profile_shopicon
The owner was AMAZING and helped me design the necklace, sent me proofs to make sure it was what I wanted, ect. The customer service is great. I highly recommend this lady!
How fun that you get to go to one of these! I’d love to hear how it goes and see a picture of your gift!
Thanks for the info! I needed to get something quickly so I did a pre-made necklace I found that really suits their joyful 12 year old. https://www.dayspring.com/joy-of-the-lord-reversible-pewter-pendant-necklace They have ten children so I’m sure I will need the info eventually! This is their third child they have done a coming of age party for. One boy and two girls so far. Their other daughter I made a shadowbox for. I’m trying to suit each gift to the recipient. They recently moved to Texas so we won’t be able to be at the event, but are happy to send a gift and letter along in our absence.
Such a cute necklace! She will love it! You are such a thoughtful friend to be so willing to do 10 of these! They are lucky to have you. <3
Hey Jen! We did one of these for our son and nephews and loved it. They did a lot of physical and mental challenges along with spiritual sides. I’m trying to prepare one for our daughter now and want to add some physical and mental challenges too hers as well but can’t come up with any food ideas. Hoping you could help. Any advice would be much appreciated!
Thanks!
Yay! I’m so excited that it went well! Thanks so much for letting me know! I’d love to hear more details on what you did.
For girls, I’ll admit it does seem more tricky- I don’t know why! I do have some ideas for activities in the ebook, but help me understand exactly what you are looking for, so I can be more helpful in the food department.
Sorry Jen I didn’t mean food ideas I meant good ideas. I can’t come up with any good ideas for the physical aspect that would be challenging yet be appropriate for becoming a woman. With our son we had him swim a Lake, run up a Butte, sleep out overnight by himself, although we are camped close by he just didn’t know it. None of these are really good options for our daughter. Any ideas you have would be a huge help. Thank you for your time
If she’s not particularly active, she could do something that is challenging for HER. A 5k, maybe a camping trip with a parent, a humanitarian trip, a “skills day” for homemaking handyman or adult skills like changing tires, etc. Even doing something scary like submitting artwork to a contest- not necessarily to win, but to put herself out there. Does that help? What things does she like?
Thank you! That does help. It gives me some ideas to start working around. Thank you for your time. God bless!
Thank you for sharing this! It was definitely insightful and helpful. Our oldest child is our son, who is 16. Do you think we’ve missed our opportunity? Is it too late to do something for him? I’m wondering if we should do something before his senior year, or before sending him off to college?
It’s absolutely NOT too late! You can do one at his next birthday, or other special time, or wait until he graduates, or is 18… there’s no one right answer!
Hi Aaron,
I’m still here and kicking! You are right- girls are a little bit tricky. You can do a physical trial based on her fitness level- anything from a 5k to a marathon. Try something she has never done before that will get her out of her comfort zone- rock climbing, rappelling, or a humanitarian trip. It might not need to be physical per se, but getting her out of her comfort zone is the biggest thing you will want to focus on. Good luck! I’d love to hear how you decide to do it!
Hey there, Aaron! I think a physical challenge such as a challenging hike, a survivial overnighter, a marathon, or something similar would all be great options!